Romance in the Hallways & Other Roomie Tales

Sooner or later cupid is going to stalk the halls of your cosy shared home and either it’s going to be total bliss or utter hell. While it may be wonderful, loving and supportive for the lovesick roomie, it can have negative effects on the other housemates. And that’s why it’s best to have a few “handling horny housemate” tips on hand.

If the roomie’s main squeeze is showing up every morning at the breakfast table having depleted the hot water tank in a long luxurious shower and then helped themselves to the last drop of milk from the communal fridge, it’s likely that resentments will start to build.

Should the sweetie be there only on rare occasions, then it’s likely that these infringements will be overlooked. However, if they are showing up everyday then you have found yourself in the awkward position of having an unofficial resident, and let me tell you, there’s trouble brewing and it’s not going to be long before a major upset erupts.

One of the main problems with a part-time live-in is that it tends to create a conspiracy of two that excludes others. There is nothing as irritating as feeling that you are an undesirable in your own kitchen while the smitten couple share romantic giggles and whispers at the end of the table when all you want to do is sip your java and peruse the shared accommodations column in the paper.

Additionally when you confront your roomie with some indiscretion of their paramour, you may find that they turn to justifying their lover’s behaviour and possibly even issuing reverse threats. What was originally a relationship with one room-mate has become something quite different. While it is natural that your roomie will tend to align with their sweetheart, it is exactly this kind of alliance that causes cliquing and disrupts the harmony in a shared home.

The source of the problem is due to the fact that a new undeclared arrangement slid under the wire quite literally when everyone was sleeping. And, although you may balk at comparing a roomie’s new hottie with having a pet, there are some similarities. It would be a pretty thick room-mate that could arrive home one day with a newly acquired bull mastiff and assume that nothing would be noticed. Bringing a pet into the household is the sort of action that has an impact on everyone and therefore is subject to the Shared Living Law of “we have to talk about this”.

Similarly, there comes a time when it is necessary to discuss the changing living arrangements with the other roomies. A good idea would be to share this with your housemates at your monthly house meeting or to call an impromptu chat with this topic on the agenda.

“Roseanne is going to be around the house more often and I would like your blessing. What can we do so that everyone is more comfortable with her being here?” This would be an excellent opening line from a very conscious roomie. “I’m doodling Lloyd and that’s it,” would probably go over less well.

Naturally it’s the impact on the household that will make the difference. If the sweetie in question is chipping in financially for the extra costs of hot water and shared food, then there are likely to be fewer issues.

There may also be security issues. In our house, only room-mates have keys or know the password for the house alarm system. Guests are welcome, but it is expected that they are never left alone in the house, primarily because without a key and password they cannot lock the house when they leave.

Guests – even regular guests – are not the same as housemates and are therefore should not participate in household policy making unless agreed to by everyone.

Next week I’ll talk about what to do when the spark of romance ignites between two roomies.

Gossip & Other Deadly Room-mate Sins

There is no way around it: gossip is deadly. And yet, there is something satisfyingly juicy about talking about another person behind their back. Whether it’s a bit of scandalous information you are dying to share or a smidgen of malicious character assassination, gossip eventually leaves a bad taste in your own mouth and, worst of all, it destroys the well-being and harmony in any shared home.

We gossip about our room-mates because their behaviour irritates us or makes us unhappy or uncomfortable. Is one of your room-mates not doing their share of the household duties? Are they being lazy, messy or just plain forgetful? We complain about a room-mate, in part, to get the irritation off our chests, but we also want the behaviour to go away.

Of course, this kind of talk is totally misplaced. Talking to room-mate Mary is not going to solve our problem with room-mate Harry. Sometimes what we are hoping is that Mary will side with us in the condemnation of Harry – making us right. And, unfortunately, there is nothing quite as satisfying about being smugly right.

A couple living in our house once came to a meeting and asked that people not talk about them behind their back. While malicious gossip is unpleasant, it’s pretty unreasonable to think that you can stop people from ever talking about you. It’s just one of those things that people do. This kind of gossip is known to sociologists as social grooming and is seen as a way that people bond and reinforce social structures, family links, and build relationships. Social grooming is also used as a form of reconciliation and a means of conflict resolution in some species.

However, back-stabbing gossip is in a different category and will affect the atmosphere in the house whether we know that it is happening or not. The information seems to be absorbed subconsciously and when there is unpleasant gossip it tends to escalate the problems resulting in even more upsets and more incidents of anger and hostility. The energy in the home becomes cool and distant and people feel disconnected.

If we really want to solve the situation, it is essential that we be honest and talk directly to the person who can solve the problem – in other words have a chat with Harry about Harry’s behaviour. Keeping this house rule will avoid many unpleasant feelings in the house and ensure a caring environment for everyone.

The only reason to talk to Mary is if she can help you find a way to speak to Harry in a compassionate and clear way. This is not gossip. This is seeking support. But there is a fine line here as your desire for clarity can easily descend into talking about your room-mates behaviour in a condescending way simply to make yourself look good.

Gossip is particularly deadly when it is used (even unconsciously) as a means to divid people and form cliques within the household. Everyone deserves to feel respected in what is their own home. There is no way around it. If you want to have a conscious home that is the way of living you choose to live, then malicious gossip has got to go. While deliciously tantalizing, rumours and gossip should be avoided if you really wish to have the home of your dreams and enjoy the benefits of a caring and conscious shared home.

Spring Cleaning

When those little tree buds start to poke their velvety noses out into the world from their furry winter husks and the rains soak into the ground (which is most of the time here on the wet coast) then a strange impulse arises in some human beings: the impulse to clean! Now whether this instinct dates from our Neanderthal days when warmer winds released long frozen fetid smells from what were previously icy lumps on the cave floor, or whether it’s all a plot designed by the soap companies to wreck weekends, it seems that spring initiates a time of purging and scrubbing.

At The Mansion the problem of keeping the place gorgeous and clean was solved easily and simply by hiring cleaners to whip the common areas into ship shape on a bi-monthly basis. Not only does this reduce tensions of who is supposed to sweep when, but one of the perks of living in a luxurious shared home should be that no one has to scrub a toilet or lug an unwieldy vacuum up a flight of stairs. But there is only so much that can be done in 4 hours a month and a 5000 square foot home contains many dark, cobwebby corners and shelves brimming with mysterious boxes, jars and unknownables left by long gone roomies. All these eventually need our attention.

So we initiated a monthly get-together. These have proven to be more important in a shared home than it seems on the surface. Like going on a date is necessary even for long-married couples, doing things together brings roomies closer, encourages better communication and creates purpose. No longer are we isolated to our individual spaces, but we now share the common goal of creating the beautiful environment that we all enjoy. A bit of breakfast around the kitchen table as we discuss what needs doing and who wants to do what, crank up some danceable music and the cleaning begins.

A few tips for House Days:

• Pick an agreed upon time and day (monthly is good, but every 6 weeks can also work). We chose the first Saturday of every month as it was easy to remember. No other commitments should be scheduled for this time.

• Start together – even if it’s obvious what needs to be done, it’s always good to begin together. It joins you together in purpose. Ideally you end together – perhaps in a shared meal.

• Try and stick to the allotted time. Our first House Day in a long time was scheduled to be 4 hours, some people worked 10 and we never did have a House Meeting. Like going to the gym after a long absence, overdoing it may make you never want to go again!

• As everyone is together, it makes sense to have a House Meeting at the same time. This could be at a mid point break or at the end of the work period. Things that needs to airing should come up here.

• Acknowledgements are a great way to set a positive tone for the meeting. There's always something that has happened or someone has done something (like put the garbage out in time) that helps boost morale for the house when it is acknowledged.

If you have any tips or comments on how to run a successful house meeting (or how to run a successful house), please let me know. We all learn when we share.